Archive for July, 2009

Why I like space better than the orphanage

Thursday, July 30th, 2009

By Violet Nedham, foundling, age 12

– Adoptive parents did not like it when I began talking about cold fusion.

– For fun, fixing the airlock knocks peeling potatoes clean out of the park.

– Wearing a jumpsuit is far less itchy than gingham frock with puffy sleeves.

– Collecting scrap metal for the superstructure is much more satisfying than organizing can drives. They supposedly benefit orphans, but actually just benefit Miss. Pennywhistle’s gin habit.

– Creamy risotto with asteroid shavings is light years better than gruel.

– I am very bad at tap dancing anyway and piano. But in zero gravity, who can tell?

– I have now not only met Flash Gordon personally, but helped him battle giant lizards bent on world domination. At the orphanage I only met other orphans. And no giant lizards at all.

Planets on Which I am a Hero

Thursday, July 30th, 2009

By Judd Earnest, Space Adventurer, crewmember of the Raygun Gothic Rocketship

I realize that many of my fans may be familiar from my exploits as they are told in fictionalized form in the radio serial The Perilous Adventures of the Raygun Gothic Rocketship. But there they are jumbled together with the heroics of my fellow crew members. It can be difficult for the average bright-eyed youth to keep our accomplishments straight. Here, then, for my admirers, is a list of the planets who have held parades for me, named babies after me, and garlanded with me with space eels as a way of ritually marking me one of their own.

*Zylorx, to which I introduced both the cupcake and democracy.

*Althea-12, whose wayward youth I reformed from a life of Lacanian literary analysis (they were especially fond of the works of George Eliot) and set on a path of engine thruster engineering.

*Gamma, which I liberated from a despotic squid monster.

*Nebulon, where I simply flew low in my cruiser and waggled the wings from side to side, which impressed them greatly.

*Mars, which I introduced to the music of Cab Calloway.

*Earth, where I kissed a Venusian in front of Edward R. Murrow.