Planets on Which I am a Hero

By Judd Earnest, Space Adventurer, crewmember of the Raygun Gothic Rocketship

I realize that many of my fans may be familiar from my exploits as they are told in fictionalized form in the radio serial The Perilous Adventures of the Raygun Gothic Rocketship. But there they are jumbled together with the heroics of my fellow crew members. It can be difficult for the average bright-eyed youth to keep our accomplishments straight. Here, then, for my admirers, is a list of the planets who have held parades for me, named babies after me, and garlanded with me with space eels as a way of ritually marking me one of their own.

*Zylorx, to which I introduced both the cupcake and democracy.

*Althea-12, whose wayward youth I reformed from a life of Lacanian literary analysis (they were especially fond of the works of George Eliot) and set on a path of engine thruster engineering.

*Gamma, which I liberated from a despotic squid monster.

*Nebulon, where I simply flew low in my cruiser and waggled the wings from side to side, which impressed them greatly.

*Mars, which I introduced to the music of Cab Calloway.

*Earth, where I kissed a Venusian in front of Edward R. Murrow.

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